I would give him everything I have

To say this year has been a struggle is an understatement. I'm not sure I could survive outlining all the details right now. On days like today, I continue to play out this idea in my head; I would give him everything I have. But....

I would give him all of my attention. He would be my focus, every moment we are awake. Often even while we sleep. This is not realistic; I have responsibilities, I work, I have another child, I have two dogs who help keep me sane. I have a husband who is most often the one who is neglected. I have extended family who doesn't always receive my attention. I have friends I see too little of. And really, all of my attention does not help him.

I would give him an education. I would learn how to teach him the things he needs to know. To read, to add and subtract, social stories, our history, to sing, to paint. But right now I am not capable of doing that. It would take much instruction for me to be proficient enough to educate him.

I would sell everything I own; all of my worldly possessions. I would buy land and move us to some remote location. It would be just us in nature. This is probably the most tempting of ideas, shielding him from the outside world he has so much trouble operating in.

I would give him all of my time. I would give him every second of every day. I would quit my job, relinquish my real estate business and give it all to him. This is unhealthy for both of us, but I would do it if I thought it would make life ok for him. But it won't. It would simply further isolate me from the rest of the world and it WOULD NOT HELP HIM.

Today was a rough day. The days like today in my life often drag me down and make me wonder what I could do to fix things for him. But I can't fix it. I can't fix him. So we continue to adjust his medication. We continue to struggle through therapy, we continue to struggle through school. We continue to try to keep friends and keep socializing him. And when kids on the playground look at him funny when he is so much slower or he behaves differently or badly, we THANK THE GOOD LORD he doesn't get it yet. And on days like today, I have to remind myself that even though I would give him everything I have, that isn't the answer for either of us.