So often I feel like my ship of life is lilting. I know that's an old-fashioned reference but it seems appropriate. As of late, it seems that any direction I head simply creates turmoil and strife. Nothing is easy. So many things are in question, and there is no right answer.
We always wanted to have a family of four, the two of us and two children. Never would I have imagined that meant raising one child from birth and one child from the age of 15, but that might be our story. I always wanted to work towards a second infant placement, but it just seems it's not in the cards for us right now. Since the Baby Fold closed there is not an affordable option out there. And Sammy is such a focus in our lives, with medical issues and learning issues, I just don't know if I have more to give. So know I am faced with a decision; do I keep all the baby stuff I used for Sam or do I start selling it off? Getting rid of it seems so permanent. Like if it's gone then the dream of having a second baby is dead. One thing I learned in my infertility journey is that for me, those tangible items are a sign of hope that one day I will have a baby, that one day I will feel hollow no more. Now I have Sammy. Funny, lovable Sammy. Is he enough? The answer to that is absolutely. He is everything I get up for in the morning. He makes my life whole. And I have Jess. Starting at 15 with her has not been easy. That does not mean it hasn't been worth doing. The rewards far outweigh the struggles. There are times I wonder if I am even capable of loving another child as I love them. I know that everyone thinks that until the next one comes along, but when you have never had the second baby how do you jump off the cliff to find out if you can do it?
And my sister is moving. She and her husband are taking their two girls and two dogs and moving to Hawaii. I know, paradise. But really all that means is we will see them less. I hope to be able to make the trip out at least once while they are there. Suzy hopes to be able to come home once or twice a year. That is simply not enough. It hurts so badly that they are going away. I love those girls like they were my own children. And the puppies too. And of course Suzy. She is sanity to me when everything else seems to be falling apart. I depend on her more than she knows. I don't even know what else to say on this subject, I'm sitting here crying like a fool so it's time to move on.
Darrin and I made a life decision this fall for me to change careers. It was perhaps the worst possible time to jump into the real estate market. It was a long, horrible winter. In my seven months of effort, I've closed two transactions and the only pending deal I have right now is about to fall apart. I'm so far in the red it's not funny. There are times when I know that moving to Real Estate full time is the right decision to really make a go of it, but letting go of a sure thing with income is just not possible. It feels like my career is in a holding pattern and I don't know how to move it forward.
And now we are thinking about selling our camper as a means of saving so these lean times don't feel so lean. We purchased the camper as a means of escape. So we could leave town, get out of the house and leave the "real" world behind. What we discovered is that camping makes us feel more alive. That is the real world I want to live in. Where we are disconnected, in tune with one another, focusing on each other and being together as a family. Letting go of that would damage my soul a little. But the reality is with real estate, you are always on call. There will be few weekends this year that we will be able to pick up and leave everything behind. So saving $6500 plus on the camper and hundreds more on campgrounds seems like the responsible thing to do.
Darrin is stuck on a route. It seems this will go on at least two more months. He's basically been on a route since before Christmas. He works seven days a week. Six of those days are twelve hours or more. So even when he is at home he is exhausted. Which means our family life suffers. It's not his fault, it's just a fact. I have no one to lean on. And that makes all this other stuff seem all the more unmanageable.
Life sucks. At this moment, I feel like my head is below water more often than it is above. I struggle with depression, and I told Darrin today that since he's been on this route I feel as though I slid down into the valley of darkness. And the way out is a slippery slope that I can't seem to gain footing on. I know things will get better, and I know that they could get a lot worse. Unfortunately for me, right now I just can't seem to stay afloat.
