"Momma, where are we?"
This young voice comes from the seat beside me. Raw with curiosity, wanting to understand the journey. I appreciate that today the question is where are we instead of are we there yet?
"We are in Rankin."
On our way to yet another Dr. appointment. One where we are to discuss recent medication changes and how they are impacting behavior. Which has been atrocious for the last three weeks.
Trepidation grips my heart as we search for new ways to help my son grow. Am I making the right decision? Will I be able to reverse this if it isn't the right path for us? What if this leaves a lasting scar on his personality? My inner dialogue often runs away from my rational mind as we determine the best way forward.
Yesterday, at an IEP meeting, the entire team propped up a recent decision we've made that I feel is negatively impacting behavior. It is so easy to second guess myself, to think the decision was wrong. Especially when for the fifth day in a row I'm taking a phone call from the school reporting aggressive behavior towards staff. Maybe we should just quit and go back to the way things were. Reassurances are helpful. But today's meeting with the Dr. will be the gauge I use to determine if I am correct or not.
The visit goes well. We are making good decisions; maybe the problem lies elsewhere? Maybe there is an undiagnosed anxiety disorder affecting his behavior. We walk away with two new therapies to try and a referral to a Carle Developmental Pediatrician for an anxiety diagnosis.
"Mom, where are we now?"
"We're in Mayview, heading to Dairy Queen for Supper. We are going to head home after that."
"Oh great! I love Burger King!"
Yes, son, you do. He ate like a champ, (at Dairy Queen mind you,) until he got a response he didn't like. At which point he turned to me and spit in my face. I don't know how, but I reached for a napkin, wiped my face and stood without reacting. Darrin reprimanded and demanded an apology. An apology that would not be given. We walked to the car. I told him he hurt Mommy's feelings with his behavior. He was sorry. He never apologized, but he was sorry.
"Mom, where are we?"
"Just outside Ogden."
For the next 15 minutes, my poor sweet child babbled in the back seat trying to win me back. I was silent, my hardened heart was closed. I could feel myself not letting him in, but because my bruised ego demanded the words "I'm sorry" instead of this war of attrition he was now waging I stayed quiet.
"Momma, where are we now?"
"We are in a place called Hope."
Those were the words. Those were the words, uttered by me and not him, that brought my walls crashing down. A factual statement about our current location with so much more meaning about our current situation. I started to cry.
"What's wrong momma?"
"I'm sorry I was so upset with you about what happened at Dairy Queen. We all make mistakes sometimes buddy. Can you forgive me for not handling that differently?"
"Of course momma. I love you."
We are in a place called Hope. Some days we just need reminding.
