March 2012 I noticed that our progress in his speech had plateaued after months of speech therapy. I called in the early intervention services coordinator to have a re-evaluation. We determined that his speech was not progressing and that he should be re-enrolled in speech therapy at once. So we began that process and started driving to Champaign once weekly to attend therapy sessions.
The middle of April we had our 6-month follow-up appointment with ENT following surgery for our first set of tubes. He said one had fallen completely out and the other was just lying in the ear canal doing nothing. We needed to have surgery right away to insert a new set of tubes. I felt like someone had socked me in the guts.
I spent the next two weeks worried that somehow I had failed Sammy. That somehow this should have been preventable. That we had fixed this problem! Why isn't it fixed anymore? Worrying about his speech delay and recurrent ear infections and lack of hearing. I noticed I could no longer focus at work. I noticed I felt edgy and jumpy and sad all the time. I started having an EMT here at work check my blood pressure daily...it was quite high for me. 170/110, 160/115, 150/110. I started trying to do calming exercises during my breaks. Listening to meditation music throughout my work day. Extra yoga at nights. It wasn't really helping.
We got through the second surgery. It went much better than the first. Either because Sammy was a little older or he already knew what was coming. (Can an 18-month-old baby really store memories like that for six months?) My blood pressure started coming down but the edginess and jumpiness wouldn't subside. I still couldn't focus. My mind was everywhere and I was still really sad. I would call my sister on the way home from therapy and cry for thirty minutes or more about my frustration with the non-existent progress we were making.
We went down to Oklahoma City at the end of May to visit Suzy and her family. The first night I was ready to turn around and come back home. She was very short with Sammy and expected him to behave exactly as her girls behave. I thought I was going to snap. I went in and lay with Sammy until he fell to sleep. Then I went back out to the living room and confronted her. Didn't she realize throughout our long conversations that he wasn't like other children his age? That he had serious delays? That he doesn't comprehend things the way other children do? I told her he is handicapped...that was the first time I had verbalized that. I told her she cannot treat him like she does her own daughter who is 14 months older than he is. I told her I just wanted to go back home. I went back into my room and cried for an hour. I then realized I had forgotten my phone in my purse and I went to retrieve it. On my way out she apologized for her lack of understanding. We hashed it all out but I told her that I wasn't dealing with things very well and I thought I might need professional help. She agreed.
So I made an appointment with my Dr. She agreed that I needed something to help me with all the stress in my life. Working full time and being a mother to a child with special needs was just too much. She assured me that evolution hasn't been able to keep up with the leaps forward our technology has made and that our bodies just aren't programmed to handle this kind of thing. She prescribed Zoloft.
It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I thought I handled life fairly well but dealing with a terrible homesickness caused by a move across country, years of infertility and the waiting game that is adoption, I started to question how long I've actually been having a problem. I finally felt like myself again. I don't get tired at the drop of a hat anymore. I don't snap on Darrin every night of the week for inconsequential slip ups at home. I am a happy person once more.
And this leads me back to the purpose of today's blog. Once again I am headed out to a Dr. appointment to hear that my son is going to need surgery. Today has been amazingly stress-free. I started dressing in a more fashionable style a couple of months ago, (refer to Fashionista post.) I wore a lovely outfit that I picked up this weekend while on a shopping blitz with a friend. (Mommy vacations! Yea!) I have had more positive compliments today than I have in my lifetime about my appearance. If you look good on the outside it really can help you feel good on the inside. Today I am able to look life in the eye and embrace what is coming, knowing that I will do whatever is necessary to ensure my son is the healthiest happiest version of himself available and that we are always striving to improve his ability to learn. What a difference six months can make.
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