Grace

How many of you have ever felt that, despite your best efforts, you are still inadequate in some way shape or form? How many of you try with all your might to make everything in your life work, yet still fall short? I often con myself into a delusion that I have everything together.

In a former version of myself, when life proved me wrong, it would derail my mind for a day or two, sometimes longer. I would wallow in a pit of self-loathing over the fact I screwed up. Or that the world was against me; what other explanation was there for my bad "luck"?

As I get older, I have realized that I quickly forgive everyone in my life for the mistakes they make. When we were younger, my sister and I held epic grudges, forgiveness simply wasn't part of our relationship. Thankfully that has changed over time. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is simpler to rectify, forgive and move on than it is to hold onto the wrong that occurred. Why do I have so much trouble forgiving myself when I make an error?

I tend to ruminate on issues that arise in my life. What if I had done this, would it have changed the outcome? If only I had said XYZ instead, maybe they would have reacted differently. The worse I feel about a situation, the longer it lingers in my mind. It is a form of guilt I carry, that I couldn't right the wrong, couldn't solve the problem.

A technique I try to employ is to think of the issue as a physical entity. A box, so to speak. And when I find myself being tortured with the what if's of a situation, I remember to take the box and set it down. I don't lose it, by any means, but I set it down to revisit it later. I must force my mind to stop thinking about it. And it works. When I focus my mind on other things instead of my problem, I always find the resolution the next time I pick up the box.

A dear friend once gave me this perspective on life: Our bodies have not evolved at the rate of our technology. The human form was never intended to sit at a desk, or stare at a screen, or be in five different places at once. We subject ourselves to unrealistic demands that our species isn't prepared for. It might be a little exaggerated, but it has helped me through a number of tough times.

So when my human mind forgets an appointment, or says the wrong thing, or unintentionally hurts a friend, I must apologize, right the wrong, and forgive myself with the same grace I bestow upon others.